Midnight's Shadow

happy mother's day!!!

2009-05-10T21:01:20Z

HAPPY MOTHER"S DAY to all the mom's out there!!! :)

So, it's been a year since I've posted anything. Literally. *shrugs* Real life got in the way like mad and I killed my computer so needless to say, I've been away for a bit. LOL!

Hopefully that'll change. I'm writing some new fic that I hope to post soon and maybe it won't be another year before I write again.

BSG fic: One Moment; Sharon/Helo 'R'

2008-05-11T02:09:40Z

Title: One Moment
Author: ahliadra
Rating: 'R' or Mature for sexual situations and maybe language
Word Count: 1235
Characters/Pairings: Sharon/Helo
Setting: Six Degrees of Separation--missing scene/extended scene
Author’s Note: One of my favourite scenes from S1. I had to write more to it because I just think Sharon/Helo wouldn’t be able to keep their hands off each other. And this was my first attempt to write some sort of love-scene type thing for BSG. Hope it went well. Feedback most appreciated, thanks!
Disclaimer: Not mine, merely borrowing, please don’t sue, mean no disrespect. Honest.

Summary: This was his dream, this was his fantasy come to life. Sharon Valerii was really with him. This wasn’t a figment of his vast imagination, or the wet dream Kara teased him of having.

One Moment

The ground was rough, the small, scattered patches of grass offering more scratches than comfort, but Helo didn’t care. Wouldn’t care. Not now.

She moaned softly, the sound intensifying with each thrust. It was maddening, but exhilarating, as he urged his body on beyond the grasp of reality, pushed his mind past dream and fantasy. He felt more than heard her final cry, her last gasp of breath before collapsing on his chest.

He sucked as much air as he could into his lungs and tried to calm his racing heart, tried to redirect the flow of blood. That task proved to be difficult, yet he couldn’t help it. Or rather he couldn’t help himself.

This was his dream, this was his fantasy come to life. Sharon Valerii was really with him. This wasn’t a figment of his vast imagination, or the wet dream Kara teased him of having. This was completely real. Of course, he would have preferred the location as well as the circumstances to be different, but he didn’t want to dwell on that.

His hands still firmly gripping her hips, frozen there from the point of climax, Helo relaxed, letting out a slow breath. Removing one hand, he wrapped his arm around her waist, holding her close, while the other he moved to softly skim along her spine, caressing her skin, damp from droplets of rain and beads of sweat.

Helo was so wrapped up in amazement, so completely overwhelmed at having Sharon with him that the jolt he felt run through him and the small whimper that purred from her lips was almost his undoing. He hadn’t realized it, but his delicate caress reignited Sharon’s senses, bringing her already sensitive nerve endings to life once more. Through that simple touch, her body was once more responding to his, locking around him, tightening and relaxing. all the while begging for more. It made Helo gasp.

Sharon was still sprawled out atop him, her legs still straddling his hips, her warmth still a comfortable sheath he hated to ever have to leave. And because of that closeness, he felt fire run through his veins as every tremble that rocked through her body from his tender ministrations cascaded into his body, feeding the tremors circulating through his loins.

“Sharon.” His voice was choked, her name barely audible against the resurgence of blood flowing south. He’d meant to say something to her, to tell her something important about… something he couldn’t remember. All he knew was the feel of her skin, the caress of her hair sliding from his shoulder, and the way her dark eyes smiled at him, almost teasingly. “Sharon,” he tried again, his voice more firm but she stopped him.

“Shh.” She slid up his body, letting her face rest just above his. “No words. Not right now.”

Before he had the chance to blink, her lips were on his, stealing thought and reason. His arms wrapped around her waist holding her tightly as he deftly moved to roll her onto her back. What he had to say, it could wait for a little while.

***

He was again resting on his back, peering up through the gaps in the trees, staring up at the starless sky. The location wasn’t all that bad, nor was the company, but Helo knew he couldn’t ignore their situation. He couldn’t ignore the last few days, the fear and worry, no matter how much he wished he could.

Pulling Sharon closer, her head resting again on his chest though her body was now snuggled in close beside him, Helo cleared his throat. There were so many things he wanted to say. There were so many things his heart told him he needed to say. I meant what I said about wishing I were him. I don’t regret this. I love you. I’d stay here with you forever if given the chance. But he couldn’t say any of that. He wasn’t allowed to. Not right now.

Bringing his free hand up to her body, he stroked along her arm, moving up to where her hand lay curled under her chin. Gently he took it, threading their fingers together, just like he’d always imagined being able to do. “Sharon?”

She pulled away from his hand and rose, peering down at him through shadowy lashes and veiled eyes. “We should probably get dressed. Just in case we need to make a run for it.”

A smile stole to his mouth, her practicality and timing remarkable. “That was what I had intended to say. Several times.” She returned his smile and moved to kiss along his mouth before finally capturing it fully. At the break of their kiss, his breath shortened. Helo licked at where her mouth had tasted his and tried to regain his thoughts. “But you beat me to it, I guess.”

“I always did say to follow your pilot. When will you learn?”

“Maybe one day. But I still believe you’d be flying in circles without your ECO.” He couldn’t help but laugh at the soft punch she gave his left arm as she moved away from him. But his laugh quickly faded as his eyes drank in her nude form, reaching for her own flight suit while handing over his. He wanted to think that the sooner she dressed the easier it would be, but it had never been easy.

***

He’d laid awake for what seemed like forever, feeling Sharon once again curled up against him, her head once more resting on his chest. She held tighter to him, gripping his jacket with one hand, while clinging to his hand with the other. It was another dream. It wasn’t out of fear that she held so strongly to him, he told himself, even though he’d just helped her out of captivity so recently, it was out of care. It was out of want and need.

When he’d finally fallen asleep, Helo had once again threaded his and Sharon’s fingers together; a smile appearing on her face at the moment his hand came to rest. It was that smile that allowed him sleep.

When he woke, he had expected to find Sharon lying beside him, still curled up close to him, but he had been wrong. Instead his side had been cold from her absence and there hadn’t been a trace of her. He’d called for her, but there had been no answer. His mind had wanted to run straight to panic, the recent memory of losing her to the Toasters strong. He hadn’t wanted to go through that again. Hadn’t wanted to have to think about what would happen if they realised Sharon had escaped once before.

But before panic could overwhelm him, she had emerged from the trees, her breath ragged and her face full of worry. She said she’d seen Cylons, seen them and said they were going to figure out sooner or later that they were here. So they ran. And were still running.

His one moment of bliss, a night in which he’d held the woman he couldn’t get out of his head no matter how hard he’d tried-he was going to hold onto that for as long as he could. He just hoped the Cylons wouldn’t catch up with them before he was able to figure out where this thing that had happened between him and Sharon was going.

Thanks for reading!!!

Um, what?

2008-04-27T06:09:34Z

Okay, so while watching the taped NCIS marathon I made from last weekend, I caught a commercial for exercise equipment. I won't say the name so they can't say I was, you know, whatever. Now, normally I tune out commercials, specifically ones that involve exercise since I work too much to have time to work out.

Anyhow, so the commercial is running and the guy in the commercial says he "gave all his fat clothes to his fat friends." What the hell? How does he have any friends at all after that? Don't care if it was written, don't care if it was taken out of context. That's a horrible thing to say. Especially about people you're supposed to care about. I would never be so disrepectful toward people I called friends.

Reminds me of another ad I saw for a work-out facility where they made fun of overweight people. How is that supposed to make me want to go to that gym when the people running it enjoy berating others? Cruelty is not attractive.

Grr. I need a pissed-off icon.

BSG fic: Caged 'PG-13'

2008-04-18T01:20:59Z

Title: Caged
Author: ahliadra
Rating: PG maybe PG-13
Word Count: 2431
Setting: Resurrection Ship 1 and 2 with mentions of everything before
Author’s Note: Not my first BSG story (more like third-but second I've ever posted), yet the one I've been trying to write for a while now. I wanted a story with Helo and Tyrol and I wanted them talking about Sharon and this is what came of it. All mistakes are mine.
It’s taken a while to get to my lj. Apologies.
Disclaimer: Not mine, merely borrowing and will put everything back when I’m done. No disrespect intended. Please don’t sue. I’m broke anyhow.

Feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks and hope you enjoy.

Caged

The weight of the worlds seemed to fall upon his shoulders. He couldn’t let her go. He couldn’t let her go no matter how hard he tried or how much he fought for it. He just couldn’t. He didn’t know how. He would never know how.

It didn’t matter what she was, and it didn’t matter what she wasn’t. In his mind’s eye, all he saw was Sharon. All he could remember was how she’d felt, how she’d tasted. All he knew was the love he’d always carried for her. He couldn’t let her go. It was both his blessing and his curse.

Sitting on his cell bunk, Helo looked at the Chief and sighed against their cell. He felt as if his heart was breaking, felt as though it were falling apart. This wasn’t supposed to be happening.

His shook his head, trying to clear the chaos building against his temples but it only seemed to jumbled everything even more. Closing his eyes, Helo tried to take a breath but couldn’t, his lungs weren’t cooperating, and his pulse began to quicken in search for oxygen. The room was spinning, he could feel it, and even with his feet planted firmly on the floor, he knew he wasn’t stable. At any moment he was sure he’d fall over. He wondered if that was how Sharon felt every second of every day.

And then everything was still. Quiet.

Opening his eyes, Helo saw Tyrol, still relaxed on the bunk, looking at him with slight worry. “You okay, LT?”

Helo shook his head again, this time finding the clutter scattering and easing the pain at his eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.”

“You sure?” the Chief asked, his voice giving the indication that he wasn’t convinced.

He nodded, and released a heavy sigh. “Yeah. It’s just,” he gestured around the cell, felt the glass walls close in on him with every intention of suffocating them both, and then attempted to take a deep breath. He needed to relax. “It’s just this whole thing.”

“She’s a lot stronger than we give her credit for, sir.”

“I know.” It was a simple reply and Helo knew it wasn’t about Sharon’s physicality. “You know, she says it’s a girl. The baby, Sharon says we‘re going to have a little girl.”

Tyrol looked at Helo with surprise. His words were unexpected. “A girl? How does she know?”

“She just does. I don’t know, it could be her… wiring, or it could very well just be intuition,” he shrugged and pushed back to rest his back against the wall. “She knew when we were down on Kobol. Was sure of it. You should have seen the smile on her face as she spoke of her.”

“A girl. Huh.” Chief seemed to process that information for a time, his mouth moving in that manner that always seemed to suggest he was thinking thoroughly. And then he let a smile form. “I’m sure she’ll be beautiful.”

“If she is anything like her mother, she’ll be gorgeous.” Helo couldn’t help himself all of a sudden. Where a moment ago he felt his heart crushing in his chest, he now felt it beaming, bursting with joy at the thought of the impending birth of Sharon’s child, of his child.

“No doubt about that,” Chief agreed with the small smile still intact. He turned his head then, puzzlement taking shape. “Forgive me, but I never really pictured you one for domesticity.”

Helo laughed, felt it rumble in his chest, his lungs once again understanding breath. “You’re not the only one.” He ran a hand across his face, his laughter fading, and thought about the comment. “Growing up, I didn’t think about having children. I mean I did, but it wasn’t something I worried over. I didn’t think about being with someone and only one someone for the rest of my life. It was never a plan I had or a conscious thought I kept.”

“And then you met Sharon.” Chief’s voice was calm, his face neutral of any emotion. There was no indication of jealousy or leftover anger. He was making a statement, stating a truth that he understood all too well. “She has a way about her. You just get swept up in her. You find yourself planning your entire future when she smiles at you.”

With a nod, Helo agreed. He’d die for that smile. “You know, I didn’t try anything. Never tried to push the boundaries. I knew how she felt about you, how you felt about her, and I left it at that. But on Caprica, I don’t know, things were different. Everything felt different.” He didn’t know why he was going over this again, didn’t understand why he felt compelled to. “It’s like, we were in this situation where for all I knew, we could be dead. Or worse. I just needed for her to know how I felt. I needed for her to know just in case.”

“Listen, LT, I get it. I really do,” Chief began. “The woman with you on Caprica wasn’t Sharon, or at least she wasn’t my Sharon. She was-is someone else and I know that. I see it. Hell, I even feel it. There‘s this raw intensity about her, animalistic, primal even. Everything about her is tied to you and you to her. It‘s a little creepy.” He became quiet for a second and Helo wondered why he had to go over this again. But then Tyrol began to speak once more, “I never really had that. The woman I loved, the Sharon I loved is gone. I have to accept that. In the weird scheme of things, what happened between you and Sharon doesn’t even involve me.”

“But it doesn’t change things.”

“No, it doesn’t. After all, she still has the same face.” Chief fell silent for a minute, his eyes intent on the top of his bunk. “Maybe it‘s like identical twins. They were separated at birth or something.”

“You could do that? Pretend like that?” Helo didn‘t buy it and he could see neither did Tyrol.

“No. That‘s why I gotta move on. I know what happened, nothing can change that. I gotta move on. I have to let go. I will let go.”

The words sounded over and over in Helo’s mind, and he wondered if the Chief wasn’t repeating them until he could believe them. Tyrol loved Sharon, and you can’t just stop loving someone. It would take time before the feeling ebbed, or at least turned into soft cinders cooling after an open flame. “This sure is a fine mess.”

“That it is.” Both men became quiet, the rumble of the Pegasus the only sound entering the room. And then Chief spoke again, a thought he seemed to be toying with as if afraid to ask. “All the women you were with, were they because of Sharon? Were you only with them because of her?”

The question surprised Helo slightly. Before the attack, before being on the run on Caprica, he never thought much about his escapades, never cared for what others thought about them. After all, the one person he wanted to matter to was in love with someone else and that wasn’t going to change.

“I don’t really know. I mean there were a couple before her, I’m not a monk, but after meeting her, I don’t know. All of that feels like a lifetime ago.” He ran a hand along his leg, feeling the scarring of his injury still forceful through his pants. How long had he been on Caprica? How long since? “I’m not that person anymore. I can’t remember what it was like to be that guy. I can’t remember what it was like to not care who I slept with. I don‘t want to be that person anymore.”

“The love of a good woman,” Chief laughed quickly but then became serious. “Like I said, she has a way about her.”

***

He didn’t know how much time had passed, minutes, hours, or possibly just endless seconds ticking by slowly to taunt them before execution. He’d had to move around again, his leg still giving him issues if he was still for too long, his body aching for the openness Caprica had once provided. But it was more than just being cooped up in the tiny cell.

No matter how hard he tried to distract himself, Helo’s mind always found it’s way to Sharon. He was scared to death. He was scared beyond death. It was always then that he felt his lungs constrict and his heart begin to splinter. He didn’t want to die. He didn’t want to leave Sharon. He didn’t want to leave their child.

He needed to be with her now. More than anything, Helo needed to know she was okay. He needed to see that she was taken care of, medically, physically, emotionally. What that monster had done to her, what those around him had let happen to her, it made Helo’s stomach turn.

“I’m not a person to them. I’m a thing.”

Do things have feelings? Do things think, feel, know, love?

“You can’t have a baby with a machine.”

Everyone wanted him to see Sharon as nothing more than circuits and wires, data stores and programming. But Sharon wasn’t just a machine. She wasn’t a product off some assembly line. She was real, and beautiful and full of life. He saw the blood spill from her shoulder after he’d shot her. Machines don’t bleed. He saw the fear and anger and sadness in her face, saw the raw pain in her eyes as tears fell and loud sobs filled the room after he’d stormed into her cell with Tyrol to stop her rape. Would a machine know it had been violated? Would a machine have the reaction of someone broken and shattered? Would it know to cry after an attack? Curl into itself and want to fade away?

No, you couldn’t hurt a machine like that but Sharon was always more than that. A machine wouldn’t instantly wrap its arms around its belly, cradling, protecting the life growing within. A machine wouldn’t have life past its own. But Sharon did and would. She was so much more than the sum of her parts. She was so much more than the sum of her species.

Kicking at the bunk, he cursed every god he could think of.

“LT?”

“It isn’t fair.” He turned to Tyrol and crossed his arms, trying to control the rage flowing through his veins. “She’s locked in a frakking cell every day. I can’t be with her. I can’t be with her through the pregnancy.” He felt like crying. “I can’t feel the baby kick, feel it alive inside her. I can’t feel the change her body goes through, be there to help her if she needs it. All I can frakking do is stand on the other side of the glass and talk to her through a frakking phone.”

It was then the Chief lifted his head, looking directly at Helo like his arm was falling off. “I don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine what that’s like.”

“You know, I almost didn’t get to see the last ultrasound. I was on rotation and they didn’t want to pull me. It‘s like they didn‘t think it was necessary. Is it not part of me?” His legs weakened and Helo almost thought he’d lose his balance. But he stood firm. “If I had thought about having kids, it sure as hell wouldn’t be like this.”

“You’re afraid of what’s going to happen to her if we are executed.”

That was an understatement. “Who says they won’t toss her out an air lock right after? Who says they won’t test her, study her like some lab rat instead of…. Who says my child has a chance if I’m not around to see to it?”

“You think the Old Man would let that happen?” Chief seemed in disbelief. “He always liked Sharon. I don’t think he’d ever do anything to….”

“He liked Boomer, before she shot him,” Helo interrupted Tyrol, silencing him. “But Adama knows what Sharon is and he doesn’t trust her. I doubt he trusts me anymore.”

It was another statement the Chief couldn’t reply to. So he didn’t try.

And with that, Helo began to wonder if the stress wasn’t eating away at his brain.

***

He closed his eyes for a second, trying to find a calm breath when an image of Sharon, lying in a ball on the ground, a blanket pulled haphazardly over her shaking body, burst into his mind. A knot formed in his throat. He didn’t know if she was okay. He didn’t know if anyone went to look in after her. He didn’t know if anyone could be bothered to. All he knew was he was so far away from her it hurt.

The anger he’d pushed aside since it did him no good was replaced once more with fear. Was the baby okay? Was it hurt? Would Sharon ever be able to look at him again? Would she ever be able to have him touch her again? He didn’t know any of the answers, and he didn’t know how to make it right. It was driving him mad.

“Gods, I hope she can forgive me,” he spoke aloud unintentionally.

“Forgive you for what?”

Looking at his cellmate, Helo shook his head. “For letting this happen. I should have paid more attention to what those guys were saying. I should have run faster. I shouldn’t have let anyone touch her like that.”

“LT, no one knows what to do in situations like that. You’re not supposed to. There’s nothing to forgive. You got there, we got there as fast as we could.” Chief sighed and closed his eyes. “When this is all over, you’ll see.”

“When this is all over, I’m never letting anyone touch her again.” It was a promise he knew he would keep. It didn’t matter who it was, he would do everything he could to keep his word to protect her, and their child.

A group appeared in the corridor just before the glass incasing he and Tyrol. Moving toward the door, Helo shook his head and tried to hide the agony raging within every muscle. The crew of the Pegasus were like savages feeding off the misery of others. He wouldn’t let them feed off of him.

“Oh look, it’s the Sunshine boys.” This wasn’t going to be good.

Thank you for reading:)

Birthdays, tv, and other personal disasters

2008-04-13T22:42:06Z

So, this past Monday was my 26th birthday. Yay for me. Too bad you can't emphasise sarcasm through a computer. My mom asked me if I had a good birthday and I had to tell the truth and say no.

Sorry, but it really wasn't so great. My dad took me to dinner and to see a play on Sunday. Dinner was good. The play I wasn't so interested in. It was for My Fair Lady and while the play was really good, as in the performances were amazing, I just never liked the story. Sorry, but to have Eliza fall for someone who wouldn't accept her for who she is instead someone who changes her to fit his taste just isn't my cup of tea. But whatever.

My mom took me to dinner and bought me a few things. That was nice. My sister is taking me who knows where this coming Friday. I gotta get out of town for a while and she gets to drive me. Yay for her.

Sounds like I'm bitching a lot here, huh? Yeah, I know. Hold on, I'm getting to why it wasn't so great. The Friday before my birthday, as in April 4th, this guy I sorta, kinda know, uh, real well, and happen to work with made me this name plate type thing. It's really beautifull and even though I practically had to beg for something, he went over and above what I'd been begging for so I can't believe how amazing it is. I really am in awe.

So, that same Friday, all I wanted to do was cry. I'd see this friend talking to anyone and feel so jealous... only it's not jealousy because if I were jealous of the people he was talking to, I wouldn't talk to them but I like them and it isn't even about them. It's not even about him. It's about this guy I used to go out with and what he did to me to make me so untrusting, so suspicious of everything. The fact that my friend hasn't bolted yet is a miracle to me. But he lets me take my problems out on him, and he lets me bitch and sometimes cry over things that aren't his fault and don't even involve him but because he's there and the jackass that hurt me isn't, I take it out on him. I don't know why he puts up with me. Must be the sex. *tongue in cheek* So, for four days, the Friday through my bday I cried at the drop of a hat. And on my bday I threw up a couple times.

See why it wasn't so good. I'm not just being a brat here. No one likes to cry and throw up on their birthdays. No one likes to have a mental/emotional breakdown on their birthday.

On to other things....

I've become obsessed with NCIS. Every time there is a marathon of it on the USA channel, I have to watch it. Even if I have plans, I will try to delay them or something. I don't know why. Michael Weatherly cracks me up. And Abby is such a fantastic character.

Um, BSG... uh, the first two were really good. Everything with Lee has really caught my attention. And I'm not really a Lee fan! Go figure. Kara... while I'm interested in her story, I hope the yelling is over. There needs to be more Sharon/Helo and definitely more Six. Just saying cause I love them!!! Okay, no big thoughts from me on the eps. They were interesting. And poor Sam but otherwise... uh, I got nothing. Sorry.

Yay for SPN returning soon. Yeah, I'm a barrel of fun here, lol!

Okay, enough of my morose nature. Maybe next time I'll be nicer.

it's been a long while

2008-04-01T01:09:03Z

Yeah, I'm not dead. Not that anyone probably cared, but you know. I have an ego to consult here. So let's see, in the many, many months that I've been gone a lot and nothing has happened. I won't go into it, if you want to know you'll ask but I don't expect anyone to ask so, whatever.

Just a random question, if you become the other woman/man, are you that person for life even if the relationship in which you're the other stops and you never do it again? I heard this on the radio and the DJ's said that once you do it, it's who you are forever no matter what. I don't know if I agree. I mean, why? Why are you pegged into this role forever?

Who knows.

So, I've come up with possible pen name for the writing of my novel. I won't give it away now, but let's just say, once I told those closest to me, I got a laugh and a confirmation that the name fits me perfectly. Yippee!

too. exhausted. to. move

2007-08-13T01:28:09Z

I don't know if it was the flu or some monster virus running rampant through my job, but oh crap! I wake up and prefer to die. Really, I haven't eaten in a week because, well, gross.

I'd planned to post a BSG story but just couldn't move. Even now, I feel like crap. And I still have to work. Bastards. I so need to win the lottery. Or have a rich relative I didn't know about die and leave me everything. One or the other is fine.

Oh, where's some chicken soup?

Creepy and gross

2007-08-06T02:27:04Z

There is this guy that rents a room at my mom's place. He's her boyfriend's renter so, whatever. Anyhow, he's really creepy. He has this vibe that just says being cautious and leary of him is a good thing. My mom bought a computer in February/March. It's really nice, with all these things I envy. And because of all those things, it cost a pretty penny. Hell, it's not fully paid for yet because of it's price.

Well, this renter, he has been using it and not just to check email. No, he sneaks in the middle of the night, or uses it when no one is home, so he can get into porn sites. That's gross. He's using my mom's computer and going into places that are known to have viruses (love the irony) and cares not. When he was told to stop by her bf, he didn't understand why. In fact, he didn't see what was wrong. My mom's bf told the guy if there are any viruses/spyware/whatever, he was paying for it, he was offended.

Dude, it's not your computer.

He still hasn't stopped though. And more than just the looking it up, I'm afraid of touching the keyboard or mouse because God knows what he's doing. *vomits*

The other day, he was in the shed out back with the door closed (it is hot in there) while my mom was mowing the lawn. I don't even want to think about what he was doing then. I hate to be around him. My sister hates it. And my poor mom, she just wants him gone. I think her boyfriend is starting to get the hint that this guy is creepy.

The women at their work are creeped out by him. He's said that he was fired from his last job because he gave a rose to a woman and she reported him for sexual harrassment. But he doesn't think that was fair. I'm worried. I hate being in a place where I'm so uncomfortable I can't breathe. I know what it's like to be violated and this guy reminds me so much of that time. If he fell off the face of the earth tomorrow, never to be seen or heard from again, it would be a blessing.

Man, he just makes my skin crawl. *shudders*

On a different note, I wrote a new BSG story. May post it tomorrow if I can. Been stormy here lately, and don't want to risk electrocution.

BSG fic: Uncertainty (Sharon fic, "PG')

2007-07-21T01:35:44Z

Title: Uncertainty
Author: ahliadra
Rating: ‘PG’
Word Count: 1748
Setting: You Can’t Go Home Again thru Flesh and Bone
Characters: Sharon, Helo, Doral, Six
Author’s Note: This is my first BSG fic. I’m nervous to say the least. A very special thank you to sabaceanbabe for her wonderful beta.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything, I’m just borrowing and will put everything back when I’m done. So please, don’t sue. I’m broke anyhow.

Summary: Sharon Valerii isn’t weak. She isn’t afraid of anything. She’s just a damn good liar.

Uncertainty

There’s a small lump forming just above her ponytail. To the touch it stings, brings tears to her eyes, but she ignores the pain. She pushes away the weakness and sets her mind on being invulnerable. Nothing can touch her. Nothing will touch her. Sharon Valerii isn’t weak. She isn’t afraid of anything.

She’s just a damn good liar.

Blinking rapidly, attempting to clear her vision, Sharon focuses on her companions, stares in annoyance at their faces and wishes for the darkness she has found her way out of. “Was it absolutely necessary to hit me?”

A smirk steals across the face of the blond before her, followed by a cruel laugh, but she doesn’t speak. Instead the voice Sharon hears is male. “It needed to be believable.”

“Helo may have been watching.” This time the blond does speak and it grates on Sharon’s nerves to hear the casual nature of her companions. They are spectators and she is the entertainment.

She won’t play their game. Not like this. “Well, did it have to be so hard? It wasn‘t necessary to knock me unconscious.”

“Why did you attempt to run?” Again the male voice beats the laugh of the blond. Aaron Doral, the name this model chose, the name it gives when in the presence of humans; so calm, so phony.

Sharon shrugs, touches again the bump on her head and then sighs as though she’s with humans and not her own kind. “It needed to be believable. Helo was watching.” Their own words, used against them, though she knows neither cares. “If he saw me, even at a glance, willingly go with you, what good would that have brought? The only way to make him believe I was scared was to look like I was trying to run. It’s what Sharon would do. It’s what a human would do.” She can see the blond smile, her lips cruel but something in her eyes sad. It is puzzling enough to get Sharon’s attention, but not to keep it.

“We’ve had Lt. Agathon monitored since the attack. He’s holed up on a building rooftop. If you like, we can go there now.” Doral says the words but the laugh that beats against the open space does not belong to him.

Sharon turns her attention once more to the blond, Number Six, her laugh still hanging in the mist of the early morning. “He won’t move now. It’s too risky.” Six just smiles more.

“Still, like rats in a maze, it’ll be fun to watch him for a while.”

***

Just as she predicted, when night fell, Helo made his move. And more than that, he moved to find her. She can read it on Six’s face, the annoyance and the anger. It’s impossible for Sharon to understand the other Cylon’s motivation. Nothing in the Six model’s programming indicated jealousy, but from what Sharon can tell, from what she’s learned through Boomer’s memories of the mannerisms, the tone of voice, jealousy is exactly what her fellow Cylon is experiencing.

“You overestimated his willingness to risk himself for you.”

“He just doesn’t love you.”

She’ll never openly admit it, but she wants that to be true. She wants for him to think of her as a lost cause, a sure-fire way he’ll get himself killed and therefore there is no reason to set out on a search. But it’s not that simple. Something deep inside her, hidden somewhere she can’t see or feel, has broken. Her programming has become conflicted and her mind a muddled mess. Time spent with the human, time spent running, feeling the centurions on their tail even though she knows it’s all for show, it has started to wear her down, and everything she believes has become tangled with everything she’s learned from Helo, everything her imbedded memories have told her. She’s starting to question her own skin. She’s questioning why she is questioning anything at all.

She is a Cylon. Helo is a human. She has a mission and he is her path to the objective. There should not be any wonder or care of his fate. But all of that only serves to weigh her down with guilt, a feeling she hasn’t been able to shake since the moment she heard Helo’s yell, telling her to run, to save herself.

And now she wishes the same. She wishes he would run. She wishes he would save himself. She knows he won’t, but it still doesn’t hurt to wish it.

If he ran, if he didn’t bother trying to find her, if he didn’t love her or feel even the slightest bit of anything for her, maybe his death would be easier. But as she told her companions, her watchers, Helo is a good man and he will always do the right thing.

It’s one of his flaws. She sees it. She sees that he wants to help even if it leads to his demise. In this new world, Sharon can see it will be his demise. He’s already trusting the wrong person.

That thought breaks something else inside her and she wonders how that’s possible. She knows who and what she is; there should be no uncertainties. So she attempts to push them away, hiding the weakness she’s not supposed to have. She can’t be weak. Not now.

“Are you ready for the next step?”

Sharon had said she was, but now she knows it to be a lie. Her whole existence is a lie and this just adds to the growing feeling of guilt building within her core. Her mission, her reason for being, she feels it burning against her eyes, stinging against the place humans believe their souls live.

She’s quiet, as ordered, as the metallic beast drags her through the wrecked building. The last blow to her face, the final kick to her stomach, the blood falling from her mouth and the cuts over her ribs, she feels them with every bit of debris she stumbles over. It isn’t right. This isn’t right.

Helo isn’t far. She can feel him close by, hear his breathing, ragged and strained. She shouldn’t put him through this but it’s too late to stop now. And if she’s completely truthful with herself, she can’t stop now. For too long he’s been at her side; she’s almost afraid of what it will be like once he’s gone.

“He just doesn’t love you.”

How much better it would be if that were true. At least her guilt would subside. Or she hopes it would.

Still she wishes he had gone, left her to fend for herself as he tried to fend for himself. She’d do everything she could to continue to protect him, to ensure his survival. She’d do it all and have it seem like he was outsmarting them. After all, she could always say it was possible he learned a few things along the way.

But none of that can happen now. He’s looking for her, and she’s a mess to make it seem like she’d attempted to run. To make it seem like the Cylons had tried to break her.

They had tried. But Sharon was stronger than they thought she should be. Sharon was a damn good liar.

“Why did you run?”

An easy lie for her to tell and yet never give away that it was the truth. It had to be believable. She had been scared. Days spent alongside Helo, looking out for him as he looked out for her, immersing herself inside his world, she had become Sharon completely. Seeing large machines, weapons drawn for an attack, the aspect of Sharon meant to be human took control. She was afraid. She tried to run because that was her instinct.

Run. Hide. Escape. With Helo.

The grip on the rope falls away and she crumples to the ground, playing the part of the scared little girl waiting for her hero to rescue her. She feels like such a fraud. There’s no reason to feel like that; Sharon knows she should just accept it, as she is one. But there’s no time to stop and analyze the spiral running though her mind.

She hears metal crunching, splintering and then falling. She knows he’s done what’s been expected of him. It’s all falling into place and Sharon knows Helo will never even wonder why she’s still alive, or why the fight was so minimal. He’s not meant to think about that, just get to her, rescue her and escape with her. The rest will fall into place.

As it does.

***

Looking back, her dark eyes searching the woods, checking for even the slightest movement, Sharon begs for Helo to hurry. “You have to move. Please!”

He stops just before the clearing, his breathing heavy. “Sharon, we’ve been running, nonstop, all day and half the night.”

She doesn’t let him finish his thought. She knows more than he does. She knows what Doral told her to do if the plan fails. She knows the way Six looked at her, like she is pathetic, a scrap of garbage left to float about the desolate city streets. She knows what will become of them both if they’re caught. If she can’t get Helo to want to stay, or if he even thinks about running, if he doesn’t play into this plan they have…. No, it won’t happen. Sharon will make certain it doesn’t happen. “They were gathering, Helo, lots of them. They were headed our way. For all we know, they could have spotted us.”

“Well, this open space isn’t going to help us hide any. Darkness or not, we‘re just daring someone to find us.” He points toward the meadow, and Sharon shifts her attention away from where they came to where they need to avoid going. “We should--”

“We should stick to the river for now. See if we can’t find someplace along the way to hide.” She gives him a smile, when she sees he has one on his face.

“Great minds think alike.” He pulls her close and she sighs against him. “I know you pilots all think you’re the brains of the operation, but without your ECOs you’d all be lost.”

“Just keep inflating that ego of yours.” She wants to laugh, to feel one last bit of levity before everything falls apart. It won’t take long before the other models learn of her… change of heart. It won’t be long before they are chasing after more than Helo.

~Thank you~

Just love car accidents. Yeah, right.

2007-07-06T18:52:25Z

So, I was having a shitty day on the 4th. I got the day off for the American holiday, but the day before I had someone come back into my life that I wished wouldn't have. Still, I had the day off so, I wasn't complaining too much.

My mom and I were going to run a couple of errands and while sitting at a stop light, right behind a police car, this 1964 Chevy Impala slams right into us. The bastard hit us FOUR times. Yes, I did say four. It was like, first he hit us, and then, there was another jolt, and then another, and then finally one more. I swear, I could see the cop in front of us sitting there like he was waiting to see if we were going to be hit anymore. I think he was as shocked as my mom and I were. How many people get hit four times in a row?

The guy said when he got out of the car it was his brakes. They were bad. So why speed down a road and not even attempt to hit the brakes until the point of impact? How dumb. But he told the cop his accelerator stuck. So, which is it? Either way, he's an idiot and my mom and I are suffering for it.

Well, the Impala ended up underneath my mom's Saturn by the time the whole thing was over and get this: the guy was worried more about his car because he was on his way to a 4th of July car show rather than be concerned that he was just in an accident that hurt two people. My mom hurt her back and hand, and I hurt my back, have a concussion (my second in 9 months) and have a sore neck.

Oh, and even better, the moron didn't have proof of insurance. Even if I don't drive my car all that much, I'm going to have it insured because anything could happen. A freak storm could have lightning strike a tree which knocks it into my garage crushing my car. You just never know. And there's no way in hell I wouldn't insure a 1964 Impala. Hello?

So, my mom's bumper is pushed in, the truck is inside where the bumper once sat, and who know's what it looks like underneath, since as I said, his car was below my mom's once all was said and done. Seriously, when my mom moved her car, we dropped a couple inches, and the moron's car bounced up a great deal.

The only good thing is my mom never hit the cop in front of us. There would have been lots more paperwork, and an investigation and we'd probably still be there dealing with this.

I had a great day off/holiday. Oh yeah, just great.

Two years... almost

2007-07-04T20:54:51Z

At the end of August, I will have been at my job for two years. I am trying desperately to keep that anniversary from coming. My boss goes on vacation at the end of July and there is no way that I want to still be working for this company by the time happens. So, I have like two weeks to find another job? I think I'll need a miracle. Either that, or I push it back til before my two years. Crap!

On another matter, ever dealt with a Ghost from you past? I'm dealing right now. Don't like it too much.

I started writing a Sharon/Helo fic at work on Monday. It's first season since that's pretty much the only season I've made it through during my marathon and thus the only season I clearly remember. I'll see where it goes and then see whether I should post it. I may be asking for help. (not trying to be subtle here:)

Lastly, my story... I about killed myself when I realised one of my characters, she has a gazillion family members and I was trying to name them all. I learned my lesson though, only the most important to the story/plot get names. For now at least. I may do a family tree for her later just to show how big and tragic her family was. Who knows. The Ghost may get me first!

ahliadra @ 2007-07-01T19:21:00

2007-07-02T01:41:28Z

It's still hot here. It's like someone left the heater on. I hate hot weather. I definitely need to find a place that's not hot.

So, watching The 4400 right now. I haven't really paid attention to this story since the middle of the second season. I'm a little confused as to what's going on exactly, but this season seems really interesting so far. Who knows how far I'll go, who knows if I'll remain interested. I love Shawn and Kyle so I'm hoping I'll be able to keep watching.

I was off work on Friday and decided to have a Sharon/Helo marathon. I think my DVD player hates me now. And I'm only have way through S2. The marathon came about after I ran into a block trying to come up with a flipping character name for my original work. I've put aside the DVD's for right now, just until I'm off again, and now I'm reading Sharon/Helo fanfic.

All I have to do is avoid the DA Max/Alec fanfic and maybe I'll find a way back to my story. *hopes*

A long month

2007-06-23T17:53:27Z

Has June dragged on for anyone else? Seriously, I look at my calender and can't help but think it's still June. The weather has felt more like late July/August in that I'm on the verge of a heat stroke every time I go to work. I can't wait for the monsoon season to finally kick in. I really miss the rain.

So, apparently I didn't have anything much to worry about with my Cam/Vala fic. People seem to like it and that is such a relief. Like I've said, Stargate is not really my fandom so I wasn't sure people were going to buy into anything that I wrote. Hell, for all I knew, the story would be laughed at, put down, and I would be told to never attempt another. Instead, I've actually had a sequel request. I'm thinking about that one, though not sure if I will.

Thank you to officersun524 for posting links at GW and TF. You didn't have to but I appreciate that you liked my story enough to even consider doing that let alone actually doing it. ((hugs))

As for my original work... uh, it changed. Again. But I'm looking at this in a positive light. What started out as a story about three people lost in a different world, has turned into this giant with seven heads. The three are still a very integral part of the story, only I added a character that is essential to their survival and as a result of this new character, another one popped up. She's the most interesting so far.

Interesting in that she's suddenly taken over!

I have suddenly found myself researching the end of the Roman Empire, 18th century France and England, 19th century France and England, the U.S. Civil War, WWI and II, the Dust Bowl, Korean War and Vietnam War. My initial story has led to this new character creating her own world, with her own story, in a completely separate but important to the whole to the story, book. It's more like a memoirs, but a story nonetheless. Fortunately I was already researching many parts of history, like Babylon and Egypt for example, on my way to the present, so this new bit isn't that hard.

Somehow everything will fit together. I've already run the idea past my mom, just so I could hear it and see what a reaction would be and she thinks it sounds intriguing. This new story with this new character is going to be important for one of the characters as she goes on her way to finding the three characters I had initiall set up.

Wow, just typing this out it seems confusing. I wonder how in the world it's all making sense in my head. Oh well, I've given myself a seven month timetable, who knows what will happen. Hopefully something good. *pleads for something good*

SG-1 fic: Lonely (Cam/Vala; PG-13)

2007-06-20T01:43:12Z

I was dabbling a little. see if it works.

Title: Lonely
Author: ahliadra
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3669
Pairing: SG-1’s Cam/Vala (with only a mention of D/V, C/S, and C/A)
Spoilers: between Bounty to Family Ties (S9 and 10)
A/N: This is my first Stargate fic ever. And thus my first C/V fic. I just want to state for the record that I liked Amy but for the sake of this story, I had to sacrifice her. It had to be done. But it’s not a bad thing. I didn’t make her evil or anything. Just human. I wrote this story while at work, while my boss argued with her boss. There was no beta because it’s not that long and I didn’t want to bug anyone. So, here it is, hope you like.
Disclaimer: Don’t own anything, merely borrowing and will return when finished.

Summary: He sat in a chair by her bed, taking in the soft pastels that so very much said they belonged to Vala Mal Doran. It was easier focusing on her room than it was on her. He was lonely. He just hadn’t admitted it like she had.

*~*~*~*

He was where he always seemed to be anymore. Boxing gloves long removed, hands bloodied under what was once white tape, Cameron Mitchell slammed his fist once more at the punching block. He heard a slight crack and stopped, wondering whether it was his hand or the block.

He flexed his right hand once, twice, before realizing it was the board.

“That makes two.”

He didn’t startle at the voice, didn’t even seem surprised. This had become an all too common occurrence for him to be surprised. “What are you doing here, Vala?” His voice was cold, coming out in short gasps as he replaced the block to begin swinging again.

“You know what I’m doing here,” she replied, her voice lost of its humor, lost of it’s smoothness. “I was lonely.”

He stopped mid-swing at her words. Lonely. He knew that feeling all too well. “And you came to me?” It was such a ridiculous question, because after all, he knew the answer. “And you came to me.”

She didn’t speak again, just left her post at the door moving to his side. Gently she took his hands, examining the tears on his flesh, carefully removing the tape. “Why do you do this? Three days in a row, why do you hurt yourself?”

It wasn’t intentional. He was just distracting himself. Everyone had something to do. Sam had R&D issues that needed her guidance, T’ealc was busy gauging an off-world uprising, and Daniel was off somewhere buried in a book that may or may not be related to Merlin. “Why are we always the ones with nothing to do?”

“Because we’re new?” She didn’t know how to answer that question. She’d wondered the same thing so many times it was pointless now. “You still didn’t answer my question.”

“I’m not hurting myself,” he replied quickly and then frowned at the damage at his knuckles. “Okay, I’m not trying to at least.”

“You should let me clean this up for you.”

And he let her. It wasn’t like they had anything to do.

***

He sat in a chair by her bed, taking in the soft pastels that so very much said they belonged to Vala Mal Doran. It was easier focusing on her room than it was on her. He was lonely. He just hadn’t admitted it like she had.

“Why were you beating those blocks? Breaking so many?” She placed the last of the bandage about his hands, admiring her work.

“Nothing better to do.”

“Liar.” Her smile was infectious and manipulative. And she knew it to.

He started to reply with some wise-ass remark but stopped. She didn’t appear to be in a joking mood. She wanted to be truthful. That intrigued him. The only time Cameron ever saw Vala show sincerity was around Daniel. Something was up. But for the moment he’d indulge her. “Got some bad news, wanted to act like a jerk about it.”

Her mouth opened to ask about the news but she stopped just short of the question forming. Somehow, she could see it, could see exactly what the news was. “This has something to do with that woman, that Amy Ordinary from Kansas.” Her words sounded cruel and she knew it. “Sorry.”

He waved off her apology, instead liking that she had taken the time to remember anything about her one and only trip to his humble beginnings. “It’s okay. No, she was supposed to come out and visit but something came up.” He realized he sounded bitter. Well, he was. “This was the third time something has come up. She must be really busy lately. New job or something.”

“Or something.” Vala nodded in understanding. When you like someone and they don’t return the feeling, or when they do but only fleetingly, it can crush a heart. She knew that feeling. “Do you think it was the secrets? ”

“Probably,” he answered. “How do you have a real relationship with someone when you can’t even tell them what you really truly do? How do you not say you’ll be gone for a few days, maybe more, because you have to go with your team to save the galaxy one more time? There’s no trust there. Even if they know something, like she does, I would still have to not say anything.” He let a sigh build. “How do you fit in outside when you can barely fit in on the inside?” Sitting back in the chair, Cameron shook his head at his run of the mouth. “Huh.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” He looked at her for a moment, taking in her hair, pulled back in a loose ponytail, her clothes completely civilian and pink, the way the First Aid kit sat in her lap and shrugged at the thoughts bubbling in his mind. “You want to get out of here?”

***

“Can I ask you a question?” A beer in one hand and a pool stick in the other, Vala leaned against the table to find balance. It was only slightly working.

“Shoot.”

“The question first.”

He laughed. “No, I meant go ahead and ask.”

“Oh, right,” she laughed back and quickly took a mental note that ’shoot’ could mean more than one thing. “Why did you ask me out tonight? Not that this is a date or anything.”

“You said you were lonely. I’m having a shitty day, week, month, figured since misery loves company and all, why not hang with someone just as pathetic as me,” he gave her a smile that said while he was trying to be funny, he was definitely serious. “Why’d you accept?”

“Because I’m lonely and have had a bad day, week, month, whatever and figured, since misery loves company, why not accept the offering of someone just as pathetic as me,” she smiled back, a little more lopsided then she intended, but then again, the alcohol was definitely starting to take it’s toll. How many beers had she had in the last… four hours? “Do you like Sam?”

“She’s a good partner. She’s a good friend.”

“No, do you like Sam?” Vala blinked rapidly, trying to stay on her feet. “I remember how badly you wanted her back with SG-1.”

“Yeah, well, she’s an original member of the team.“ That was his answer but he could see Vala wanted a little more. “Sam is good at her job. She knows what she’s doing and in a jam, you definitely want her on your side,” he said truthfully. “Besides, we go way back, known each other since forever.”

“So you like her.”

“Well, yeah,” his reply was stopped when he figured out what she was really asking. “But not how you’re thinking.”

“Because of Amy from Kansas?”

He shook his head. “No, not because of her. Look, Sam is a beautiful woman. She’s smart, knows how to fire a gun and look good doing it. And she’s a hell of a leader. But she’s just my friend. Not anything more.”

Vala nodded slowly, trying to hear clearly Mitchell’s words. He didn’t seem to be in denial about any of what he said. Perhaps he was being truthful with her. “Okay.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Shoot.” She smiled at his smile.

“All right,” he couldn’t help but enjoy the way her eyes lit up when something related to Earth fit into her life easily. “Now, you don’t have to say anything but I’m a bit curious. What’s going on with you? I mean why are you lonely?”

“Because, and I’m sure you’ve noticed, Daniel has been avoiding me,” she responded quickly. “Sure he speaks with me, but it’s all quite distant. I’m just another person he knows, not someone he cares about.”

“You don’t think Jackson cares about you?”

“Well, I know he cares. But it’s, it’s just like you!”

A frown took to Cameron’s face for a second, the liquor in his belly delaying his brain’s ability to decipher Vala speak. “You mean he’s treating you like he treats the rest of us? Like he’s not falling all over himself for you.”

“Exactly!”

Replacing the frown was a laugh. He couldn’t help it. “How pathetic we are indeed.” He laughed harder, grabbing his mug of beer nearly spilling some on the way to raising it to his mouth. After a quick drink, he shook his head. “You think Daniel’s ditched you and Amy can’t make a little trip across the state line. Maybe they should get together.”

“If I asked you to do something, would you?” She ignored his comments, ignored his inability to see her troubles, and let the powers of the alcohol take over. This night would not go to waste. “Will you kiss me?”

He lined up his shot and smiled at her. But he never answered.

***

The door flew open, the sound of bar patrons still heard cascading up the nearby steps. Stumbling slightly, Cameron slowly eased Vala threw the opening, his mouth on hers, each inhaling the other’s. Tongues dancing together, hands tugging at clothing too restraining, the two moved into the room, a free hand slamming shut the door. In moments, bodies hit the hard mattress of the bed, rolling around, trying to gain the upper hand.

Quickly Vala yanked Mitchell’s t-shirt over his head, and then pulled hers off as well. Leaning down, her hips straddling his, she gently traced the lace of her pink Victoria Secret bra over his bare chest. Hearing his groan, the sound guttural and low, Vala took the opportunity to roll her hips back and forth. That only elicited more groans.

“You don’t play fair,” Cameron grabbed to Vala’s hips, pulling her down harder on his lap and then reached for her head, bringing her lips once more to his. She tasted like strawberries and cream. Feeling her fingertips trace along his chest, slither down his stomach toward the fly of his jeans, Cameron felt a sharp jolt run into his brain. In an instant, the blur of the alcohol was gone like it had never existed at all. It was a quick hangover, and flash forward in time to the regret that would follow. “Vala, wait.”

She sat up, confused by his stopping. “What’s wrong?”

He looked around the room, and sighed heavily. It was just a room, but a room he knew all to well. He’d never brought a woman to it before, but it was his. He’d set it up with the owner of the bar, a former Army man that understood sometimes you just needed to have a good drink. The owner also understood that sometimes that drink would mean an inability to drive home. And so Cameron was able to rent the room just in case he ever came across such a situation. Fortunately, it had only ever happened twice.

“We can’t do this.” Carefully he helped her off his lap, ignoring the disagreement raging in his pants, and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. “We can’t do this.” He grabbed his shirt and handed hers to her.

Sitting on the edge of the bed now too, her shirt in her hands, Vala bit her bottom lip. “Was this that rebound thing I see on television? The shows that come on during the day?”

“It almost was,” Cameron answered feeling foolish. He had a half-naked woman, a half-naked insanely gorgeous woman sitting before him, willing to sleep with him, but it wasn’t right. And he wasn’t an idiot. “You can’t mix business with pleasure. We’re on the same team, you want Jackson. It’s not right.”

“Right,” she nodded feeling a lump form in her throat. Rejection seemed to be something she was getting good at.

“Come on, we’ll get you a cab back to the base.”

***

It was nearly three days before they saw one another again. In that time Daniel had returned, claiming he’d found a lead on a new technology the Ori had at one time been trying to harvest, and then left again to research it some more. He’d said barely a word to Vala, barely gave her the time of day. And so her loneliness grew deeper.

Walking the long corridor to the base gym, she could hear loud grunts and curses breaking through the opened door. Taking her usual spot, along the frame, she watched in wonder how fierce Mitchell chose to beat at the block before him. And from the look of things, he had surpassed two long ago.

“Fancy seeing you around,” he spoke to her without turning to face her.

“Or not, as it were,” she offered stepping into the room and over to where he stood, ready to strike once more. “Your hands, they’re bleeding again.” Again she took them, carefully examining the battered skin, the scarred flesh. “Why do you do this to yourself?”

He lowered his eyes, feeling the weight of eight worlds resting on his shoulders. This was exactly why the other night had been a mistake. “Well, there’s this girl I know, and she’s in love with this other guy and the friend of the guy kissed this girl. He did more than kiss her and now, he feels like an idiot.”

“He shouldn’t.”

“Can’t help it.” Mitchell slipped away from her, moving to lean against the nearest wall. “Technically I’m in charge, kind of like your boss. You don’t get much more unprofessional than sleeping with an employee.”

“You weren’t on duty at the time. And you always say I don’t listen to your orders anyhow, so I’m not exactly an employee. And there was no sleeping involved.”

He offered a small smile at her reasoning. He had the title of team leader, but it was a crew’s effort. He was nothing without everyone else. “Still, it shouldn’t have happened.”

“Well, nothing happened. Not really, anyhow.” There was a pit forming in her stomach. “But, it’s like you said, business and all.”

“Right, business.”

“Okay,” she shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans and shrugged. “I guess I’ll see you around then.”

***

She sat at the bar, her eyes watching the door every time it opened. Just as she’d hoped, he showed. And he noticed her as well.

“How’d you get off base?” Mitchell asked taking the seat beside Vala.

“General Landry is at a meeting with your leaders and the one who otherwise would keep me from getting out didn’t seem to care that I just walked right out the door.”

“Right.” He ordered a beer and then noticed the fruity drink resting between her fingers. It matched her blue and green wardrobe. “So, what brings you here?” He asked the question before realizing just how nervous he was to hear the answer.

“I was thinking and thought I could use a drink.” She took a sip of her… she couldn’t remember the name, and pushed up her courage. “I met this guy the other day and we almost had something and I thought maybe, if I came back, I’d get to see him again.”

“Really.”

“Yeah, really. You see, the way this guy talked to me, it was like I was a real person, a valuable person. Not just some thief from somewhere he’s never been trying to scam him.” For Vala, there was a rare comfort in Mitchell. She didn’t entirely understand, didn’t think it mattered. But she thought it might have had something to do with the fact she felt a kinship to the military man. He took risks, did dangerous things because he liked to, and lived for the thrill of it all. She related to that completely. “And the way he kissed me, well, I’ve never had a man kiss me that way before.”

“What way?” He couldn’t help it, he was blushing just slightly.

“Like his life depended on mine.”

“And you want him to kiss you again?”

“More than anything.”

***

Her head resting on his shoulder, her hips still straddling his while they still remained connected, Vala sighed deeply. “So much for business.”

A small smile tickled his lips, his brain ignoring the implications of her words. “Yeah, so much for it.” Letting his hand trace along her spine, he could feel her shiver deep within his core. She was soft like silk, and her skin smelled like the sun just rising.

“What are we going to do now?”

So much for fighting away the repercussions. He adjusted his head on the pillow so that he could see her eyes. “Can’t blame this on the alcohol.”

“Wouldn’t want to.” Moving, Vala sat up, unintentionally thrusting down. A wry smile filled her eyes in apology. “What happened wasn’t a mistake. We’re both adults.”

He helped lift her off him, feeling her warmth disappear from his lap. And then with a heavy breath, Cameron moved to grab his clothes to get dressed. He felt a pang in his heart, and a throbbing in his head. “When Jackson comes back, are you going to tell him anything?”

It was like a bat being swung at her chest. She’d forgotten about Daniel for the several hours she’d just spent with Mitchell. She’d forgotten about her loneliness and the one that gave it to her. She’d forgotten it all. “Daniel and I are not together. What happened isn‘t really of his concern.”

“That’s true. But your heart still wants him.” He pulled his shirt over his head and began searching for his jacket. Finding it, he shrugged it on, and looked at her with clear eyes. This was what it was. No use pretending otherwise. “It’s okay. I knew that beforehand. But it’s like you said earlier; you were lonely, so was I. We were two people, sharing that loneliness, and each other. We‘re friends, and sometimes friends share a little more than movies.”

She didn’t know how to respond. Cameron was right to an extent. But wrong in so many ways. “Daniel has never looked at me like you did. He’s never held me the way you did.”

“Yeah, well, give him time. I’m sure he’ll come around eventually.”

“Maybe,” she agreed softly. There were times when Daniel seemed perceptive to her hints, seemed interested in pursuing her more fully. But he wasn’t at the moment and Mitchell did. “What if I don’t want him to now?”

“Now you’re just trying to make me feel better.” He saw her place her sandals on and then stand to smooth out her skirt. It was strange to him now, knowing what lay hidden under those clothes, knowing what powers of seduction rest behind those smoky eyes. Shaking his head to clear away those thoughts, Cameron moved to the door, opening it slightly. “Just wait, when he’s back you’ll want to forget this ever happened.”

***

There wasn’t much time for them to fall into awkward situations. There was trouble, and T’ealc had been caught in the middle. The team had wanted to help but Command voted against it. So they did the best they could. Which resulted in Cameron’s face being beaten. By T’ealc no less.

Vala had to fight the urge to help him, telling herself it might give them away. Not that there was a them. After all, it was just the one time and Mitchell had made certain to keep his distance. Especially after Daniel had returned.

So Vala did the only thing she could think; make Sam her new best friend. It was in that mission Cameron reappeared. His eyes smiled at her but stared at Sam, taking her in, drinking in her essence. She fought back the question she’d asked him earlier, pushed away his answer. Why would he lie? Why would he say any of the things he said if he wasn’t a little interested? But there was no time to think about that.

Like a bad dream there was the issue with her father. In the one moment Vala truly had with Daniel, alone, he had spoken with her like she was a student going through a hard time. It was completely devoid of the comfort she would have preferred. But still, she was distracted enough by her father’s antics that Daniel’s interaction with her was of little significance.

It wasn’t until after her father was gone, after everything had calmed that she was finally able to think. And Mitchell was no where to be found.

The knock on her door, the arrival of Sam with liquor and news of Cameron having a date left Vala tossing and turning all night. The things he’d said, they had been meaningless. He already had a date. And she’d still hoped Daniel would look her way just once.

Pathetic.

***

Leaning against the wall, the briefing moments from starting, Cameron caught a familiar scent streaming his way. Strawberries and cream were quickly becoming his favourite. His fingers tracing the lining of his tags, he gave a slight glance to the side, taking in Vala’s confident stroll. Yet, something about her was off.

“Morning,” he said moving to walk beside her.

“To you as well.” She tried to keep her voice professional. “Have a nice date last night?”

He winced letting go of the tag, pushing them back inside his shirt. “Actually no, I didn’t.”

The smile that took to Vala’s eyes fought to form on her lips but she refused it. She wouldn’t let him see that brought her joy. “Oh? Why’s that?”

“I was stood up.” He stopped just before the entrance, forcing her to stop too.

“How sad for you.”

A frown formed and he couldn’t understand the bitterness. “It is sad. I waited at that bar for you for three hours before finally calling it a night.” And with that he walked into the room leaving Vala behind, mouth open wide in shock. That was definitely not what she had been expecting.

“How about tonight? I‘m free!” she called running in after him, stopping just inside the door. “Oh, hello, Daniel.”

The End.

I must be a horrible person

2007-06-20T00:30:14Z

I am trying to write a book. Well, a book and a screenplay that jumps back and forth between screenplay and book (it's really annoying sometimes).

Most of my ideas for these two stories come to me when I'm at work. I don't have a job that requires my complete attention (you know, I can daydream and not worry about something going wrong) so I just zone out most of the time. But since I started writing, I've found that I can't keep up sometimes with the thoughts running through my head.

So, I started using production log sheets that will never be used to write out the ideas I'm getting for each story. Surprising, I don't confuse the two or mix them together. I know what genre (so far) each belongs to and there is no overlapping at all. Well, after I ran out of the logs they'd give me, I decided to buy a small notebook so that everything is together, all neat and orderly. Not that my life is orderly but that's not the point.

Anyhow, so today I was writing and flipping through some of the previous pages. I decided against one idea because another one fit better. Essentially it was a revision of the first idea but, it still works better with the direction my mind has been running. So, as I was writing and reading, a couple of my co-workers came over to ask what I was doing. I explained that I'm trying to write a story, that I always get ideas while working and need to be able to write them down. I said once I get a direction that works, I put it on my computer.

I don't write anything in a linear fashion. I don't even think in a linear fashion. There is a reason to my madness. I'm sure of it.

Just before I was about to go back to work, one of my co-workers asked if they could read some of what I have written. I (respectfully) told them no. I said basically it's a jumbled mess and would be hard to understand. I understand it because I'm writing it after all. But even more than that, I said no because everything is still pretty much in the pre-production phase. Just because I know where I want the story to go doesn't mean it's gonna go there. And because of that, I don't want to let too much out.

I told this co-worker that once I had more written, and in some functioning form, if they were still interested, perhaps they could beta it for me. For whatever reason, they took offense to this. Um, what? Because I don't want someone to read something I'm writing privately-and it's private because for 1)it's not like I'm advertising the damn thing, 2)I keep it in my bag so no gets to it and 3) I don't even let people I ask to beta fanfics for me to read them prior to their completed form. does that make sense?

I thought my reasoning was perfectly logical. I thought that my invitation to read the story later was pretty nice of me since, as I mentioned, I don't like it for people to read something that is in progress. It's once thing for it to be fanfic and WIP, I'm not gaining a profit from, it's another when I want these stories to be published and you know, be lucrative.

I just don't get it. So, I'm supposed to just let everyone read something I wrote because they see me writing it? Since when? Why don't I just send off my notes and have them plastered all over the entrance by the time clock? Grr. I need a new job. Fast.

Or I just need to win the lottery. Maybe I'll buy a ticket after work tomorrow....

ahliadra @ 2007-06-18T16:37:00

2007-06-18T22:46:40Z

Where has the rain gone? I love rain. I enjoy listening to it, watcing it, feeling it. But it hasn't rained here for some time and that makes me so very sad. It makes me even more sad because it's bloody hot out and I'm not the biggest fan of the heat. damn sunburn on my ears!

I don't want to go to work when it's hot, because my work doesn't seem to understand that air conditioning isn't a bad thing. Then again, they're cheap. Very cheap. During the winter, when around town pipes were bursting because of the cold, my job had no heaters working. I wonder how I'm still alive sometimes.

This damn book I'm writing is so going to be published and I AM going to make lots of money out of it. Well, that and I'm going to find another job until that happens.

FS Snippet: Amazed (J/A, G)

2007-06-18T00:46:23Z

Title: Amazed
Rating: G
Setting: Post PkW (maybe two weeks at most)
Word Count: 674
Author’s Note: This was my first ever Farscape fic. Or at least the first one I posted in completed form-elsewhere. I wanted to capture a brief moment for John and Aeryn and their new family. Hope I was able to capture it well. And for Father's Day, I thought I'd put this one up.
Disclaimer: I wish anything involving the wonder that is Farscape belonged to me, but since nothing does, I am only borrowing and will put everything back when I’m done.

Summary: A short look at a moment for the new parents.

It is one of the most beautiful sights to ever exist. You hear it at first as you round the last corridor before reaching your quarters and then the sight fills your view as if a gift has descended. There they are, the two most important people to ever grace your path and they are sitting in bed, just gazing at each other in wonder.

You lean against the opened door to take in the scene completely. There is something so peaceful and so relaxing about your view that no matter how you tilt your head, it will never cease to amaze you. “Your name is of the highest importance. A very great and noble warrior was called by it and I am certain he would be honored to know that you now hold it.” You hear the voice speaking softly, a tint of sadness seeping into each word and find that your breath has caught itself in your throat.

“My baby, my son.” There is a sense of amazement in those words you hear and it makes you smile. “I sometimes can’t believe you’re really here. Everything we went through just to keep you safe, everything we did to make certain your life will be filled with nothing but beauty….” The voice trails off and you hear what sounds like tears forming. You stare at the small bundle curled up nicely in soft blankets and then feel eyes gazing your way. You’ve been caught. “Hello, John.”

You are blushing slightly as you walk into the room moving to sit down on the bed. You did not expect to stand so long, just staring at the miracle playing before you. But it was never like you could help it before. “Hi, Aeryn.” Even your voice is sheepish. But it’s okay. As you look at the woman sitting before you, her fingers delicately caressing along the top of your son’s forehead while he sits cradled warmly in her arms, you realize it doesn’t matter. Aeryn has seen you in the worst of times and the best of times. And more than that, she has loved you through it all. “How are you feeling?”

“Amazed.” You can hear the slight embarrassment in her voice, telling you she didn’t expect to answer so quickly or so forwardly. But the embarrassment fades as she speaks again. “I didn’t expect to love him so much. I didn’t expect to worry so much.”

As you hear her words, it strikes you again just how lucky you really are. But then, another more sinister thought enters your mind. You find that a soft laugh has left you and it is drifting over her. “Well, just think of him as a miniature version of me.”

“Please don’t scare me like that.” As you move to sit beside her, you feel the soft nudge of her elbow, a response to your joke. “Its bad enough having to make sure you stay out of trouble all the time.”

You smile at her quick wit, her ability to ground you and humble you. She is simply remarkable. Gently you rest your head on her shoulder so you can both look at your son. He’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen… other than his mother of course. Both take your breath away leaving you completely speechless, completely awestruck. “Thank you.” She turns your way, a look of questioning filling her cloudy gray eyes but you only smile and immediately she understands what you are saying.

Everything you both went through, the risks you took, the paths that were not always so easy, it led you to this moment. A moment where you are sitting beside your wife, a woman you love more than the waking world, and she is holding your beautiful son. As much as space and its exploration employed you, it can never compare to this. But you do stop to give it thanks. It gave to you the most amazing gift life can offer; love and a family to share it with.

End

Father's Day

2007-06-17T22:08:52Z

It's Father's Day today. Called my dad at ten this morning and was going to do something with him until his dad called to do something. So, my dad and I are going out next weekend.

Too bad, I was looking forward to seeing him this weekend. But what can you do when shit comes up....

Anyway, Happy Father's Day, Dad!

ahliadra @ 2007-06-16T12:13:00

2007-06-16T18:38:45Z

Holy crap it is hot out. But the ac is on so why am I bitching? Because I'm cold! I feel like I'm living in an icebox. I'd turn the ac off but then it would just get hot and humid and there is no way that's gonna happen. Maybe I'll go lounge around outside for a bit, get warm and toasted, and then the cold won't be such a big deal.

I wrote a SG-1 fic. It's Cam/Vala. My first of either. I'l like to post it but I'm not too sure about it yet. SG-1 is not my main fandom, it isn't even a show I watch regularly. Sure I'll tape it, buy the DVD's but I've missed a few eps here and there. Wrting for it was more like writing for two characters I could make stuff up for. Not ones already established. Dilemma.

So, I've got this AMAZING idea for a new TV show. Actually, I've got to give some credit to naanima because without our little chat about SPN, the idea never would have taken shape. The only problem is finding active participants. It's reality based after all. I don't care for the genre myself, but money's money and if it's to be made, I'll let the annoyance I feel slide.

Spoilers and character names

2007-06-11T23:51:34Z

Why do I read spoilers? Really? I don't know why I do, but for some reason I just can't help it. Yet, along the side of my computer screen is a list from a spoiler site and listed was a new one for Supernatural. Grrr!!! I didn't want to read it especially since the new season is so far away. But I pulled the damn thing up and got annoyed. Really now, this idea is only going to bug people and it bugs me that some of the places I go to for SPN will be overrun with people bugged about it.

Maybe I'll give myself a SPN sites sabatical for at least a bit. Maybe.

So, I settled on my two male lead names and have now gathered a couple ideas for the lead female. I got this idea for another story while trying to work my way through the present one and as a result, thought I was going to have a meltdown. Fortunately I have found a way to merge them so THANKFULLY I'm still only working on the one-ish.

It really is a relief because I just don't want to deal with pushing aside another idea because my brain is on overdrive. Sheesh!

Pirates, penguins, and my writing

2007-06-03T03:35:44Z

Okay, I have seen the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie several times. Needless to say I enjoyed At World’s End a lot. Yeah it was long, but I went in not allowing myself to think about it’s length and in the end, it didn’t even register. The movie was perfect. For me at least.

The visuals and effects and characters/actors were all fabulous. I’d love it if somewhere down the line there were more of these movies. Seriously, I've seen it enough and know it is quite possible. But like I said, down the road, not tomorrow.

So, I finally understand what the hell was going on in Dead Man’s Chest. Everything in that movie finally makes sense in my head. Really. And I have a much better appreciation for it. I wish it hadn’t needed so badly this third movie to make it work, but you can’t always win. Either way, I got all the betrayals from part II and saw how the betrayals in part III fit. In reality, while they were betrayals, they were purposeful. They had a means and that means had an end. Thankfully. And like I said, it made sense. To me, at least, again.

I loved Johnny/Jack’s entrance atop the Pearl as it rolled over the sands. Reminiscent of The Curse of the Black Pearl, it was thrilling to see him so proud atop his ship. And the resulting meeting with his old “friends” was great. I liked that he believed they were just in his head. Liked that he was unsure of Elizabeth too. I also liked that right away there was big action. The song was a nice touch. But I gotta say, the people I saw the movie with the first time, they were surprised to see a young boy be one of the people hanged for piracy. This is a Disney movie after all. Still, it fit with Lord Beckett's behaviour.

And I just have to say it, I love Orlando. Will was definitely busy in this one and Orlando was fantastic. I gotta say that I loved the wedding. Barbossa marrying Will and Elizabeth amidst the battle was cool as was the kiss with the rain falling and waves crashing all around. Yeah, I’m a sucker for those kinds of things.

Now, I knew ahead of time what was going to happen to Will, even knowing that the very end would feature him and “ten years later” type of thing. I knew it but it still got to me a little. Regardless of how well Orlando does pain/agony, I still don’t like to see it. Eh, either way, he was great. And the whole ten years at sea one day ashore thing, apparently the legend is if the woman is faithful the curse or whatever is ended. Whatever, I’m going with that and when Will is returning at the end of the credits, he’s returning for good. That’s my thinking and ain’t nothing changing it.

I'd say more about the movie here, but I really have talked it to death elsewhere and at this point, I feel like I'm in the movie Groundhog's Day if I talk anymore about it.

So, penguins, I love them. They’re so funny. I just love the way they interact with each other. And I mean real penguins, not the animated ones. Now, the other day I had just got home from work, and turned on the TV and saw Ellen DeGeneres (sp?) and she had Orlando Bloom as a guest. I missed most of the interview but saw that he was showing pictures of his visit to the far south (as in Antartica). In one of the pictures he’s near some penguins.

Holy crap! I think I just may forever love Mr. Bloom for that picture. Orlando and penguins, beautiful. Yes, I am a dork. I know this already.

One last thing, I started writing this story and it was supposed to be a novel but it veered into more of a screenplay. Well, when that story gets a little stuck in my head, I move to another story I’m dabbling around with a bit. The thing is, these stories, both of them, I suck at character names. Seriously. I think I changed my main character’s names a few hundred times with the first story before finally finding the ones I wanted. And my second story, the one I’m playing with a little, I’m still changing names. It’s so difficult to write anything when you can’t even get a character to have a name that sticks.

Right now, I’m stuck on Aric, Roman, Simon and Deacon. Four names for one character. There’s two male leads and one female. I haven’t even thought about a name for the female yet. Well, ~~there was Gretchen, and Seren, Nevena. Those were just for starters~~ because as I said, I am still stuck on the male and haven’t given too much thought to the girl yet. Yeah, those names were for the first story and that's all settled. So, I'm pretty much still stuck. Grr.

Just read an amazing interview repr0b8 did with actor Tahmoh Penikett. It was really good, Jeff. You totally rock.

It can be found at the fantastic Sharon/Helo fansite, Kindreds

Now, I’m off to find names. Of the torture!

Insert witty subject cause I got nothing

2007-05-20T14:56:03Z

Okay, I’ve got thoughts. Lots of thoughts and I’m pretty sure they’ll be a jumbled mess so bear with me.

So, Ben Browder got a story credit for this weeks SG-1 episode. That’s cool. I loved both his Farscape eps so it isn’t a surprise that I liked this episode.

So, I’ll admit it, going in to each Stargate episode is a little like pulling teeth for me. I’m always sure I’ll be bored out of my mind, regardless of what the content is. In the beginning I enjoyed watching SG-1 but after some time, it lost it’s thrill for me. But for the last two seasons, I’ve watched because of Ben (and Claudia too, though more when Vala is not with Daniel). I taped this episode, almost not even bothering to watch it, just have it until I can buy the DVD. But my tape ran out so I had to actually watch it when it replayed.

I’m glad I did. This was what I remember SG-1 used to be like. This was why I watched in the first place. It was fun, funny, and I wasn’t in the least bit bored. That’s always a good thing. I loved that Vala and Cameron were working together. And I really liked that Daniel was the one in charge during the hostage situation. He was hilarious especially when dealing with the little catfight. And I always love Daniel/T’ealc time. The “Die Hard” comment was fantastic. Daniel in all his geekiness had to take a minute to get it. Still, the whole show was great. Yes, I’ll admit there was some choppiness and I was confused with pacing, but when it comes to Stargate, I just ignore otherwise I’d be bitching the whole time. Still, watching Ben and Claudia working together the way they did was perfect. God I just love those two.

I miss Farscape way too much. I think I need to watch it later.

Holy crap. Really. I watched this episode when it aired, and then put it away for a bit. I had to sit for a couple of days without watching it, without reading what everyone thought about it. I watched it again last night just to be certain I wasn’t talking about something else. Ya never know.

First I’ll talk about some random thoughts that entered my mind.

When you first see Sam, lying there all dead, all I could think was Jared, look more dead. And then I thought I might have caught a smirk on his lips so I had to say something about that. But it’s hard to play dead, just ask my dog. When I saw Samantha Ferris’ name I squealed. Yes, I went girlie for about five seconds happy that Ellen had lived. And then I got worried. A big portion of the episode, during the first showing I had, I kept repeating for Kripke and Co. not to kill Ellen or Bobby. I couldn’t take that. And then I thought about how pretty Jensen is.

Okay, random is out of the way. What I thought: did I mention holy crap? I’m serious, they need to give Jensen a damn Emmy. I get why he says he doesn’t like the emotional scenes. He wore me out and I was just watching him be emotional. Still, he’s really good at them.

I’m going to write a story and when it becomes a movie, I want Jensen to be my leading man. Oh yeah, it’s going to happen. (There is no sarcasm here, I’m absolutely serious. Really, I am. It’s gonna happen. And when it does *faints from happiness*)

I knew even before the "previously on" that Dean would sell his soul for Sam. I knew it but still hoped against it. Dean feels Dad made a mistake for giving up his life for him because he isn’t worth it, but Sam is. Why? I love Sam, but how is he more important? I’ll get to that in a bit. So, the demon chick was great. Loved the last one, loved this one too. She was fiesty and just oozed sexuality. And that kiss, if not for the desperation it would have been really hot. I hear the actress is a friend of Jensen’s. That’s cool. Wonder if we’ll get to see her again.

So, while I was watching the part where Dean is talking to a not-all-there Sam, I couldn’t help but notice how troubling his words were. Dean tells Sam that when Sam was five years old, he started asking questions and Dean would try to get him to stop. Dean said he wanted Sam to be a child for a little bit longer. Hello? Dean was like, nine years old at that time and he wants Sam to be the kid? Did Dean ever have a childhood or was it from the moment Mom died Dean lost his innocence? Seriously. From the little snippets we get, Dean’s life has been shit. All his boisterous nature, all his loud remarks and hitting on women during information gatherings, all of this, it’s a cover. He is so much the mess it’s not even funny.

I’m so glad Bobby called him on the deal he made. I’m so glad Bobby yelled at him for why he did it. I don’t care that Dean is supposed to be dead, I don’t care that he isn’t supposed to be here, he is important, and I love that Bobby tried in desperation to make him see that. I’d like to say I think more people should tell Dean that he is important and show it to him, but he’d probably ignore them. Fool. But I love him.

Yay for Ellen. Loved the Holy Water bit. Loved the whole thing with the Colt being the key to the gate of Hell and that Samuel Colt built a massive trap. If it were real (as in real life) that would be even better but I’ll settle for it being in the show.

Jake didn’t do much for me this time around. He just turned over so fast. I get that his family was threatened, but still. I guess the only way for it to have worked was for the episode to be extended. Time constraints are a bitch.

Sam killing Jake, did I mention Holy Crap? That was great. And it mirrored Bloodlust which was even better. You’re different after a near death/all the way dead experience. It’s just like with people who have heart attacks or heart transplants. Sometimes they change. Their personalities become altered.

When I was a baby, I had to have a transplant. People tell me that many times my moods don’t gel. Like there’s two of them fighting for control. It’s not split personality, it’s just, whoever’s heart I received, they are a part of me now and sometimes they want to play too. I'm cool with it, but it freaks others out at times. That probably sounded confusing but I don’t really know how to explain it better.

Anyhow, so after Sam shot Jake for like, the 20th time, and that look he had, all I could think was “where the hell is Jo?” Really, I thought Evil!Sam and Jo were hot together and this was the perfect time for them to hook up. Okay, not really, but it’s playing out in my head so I’m good.

Hmm… where was I? Oh, right. So, the YED is great. I just love the way he toys with people. And his “Sit a spell” line to Dean was great. I was a little upset by Dean getting beat up again, but he got his payback. I’m so happy to see Dad again. I know JDM didn’t have long to be around, but still it was great nonetheless. Dad got to help take down the thing he’d been hunting for over twenty years. The thing that turned Dean into someone who views his life so lowly, the thing that turned Sam’s normal life upside down, it’s finally gone. I’m glad it was Dean that fired the shot. For all the things said about him being worthless and pointless, it was justifiable that he be the one to do the killing.

I’m still a firm believer that there is something extremely special about Dean. He’s the first born son, that means something in so many cultures. More than that, there’s got to be more to the YED agreeing to keep him around then just to make sure Sam lives. Could he tell the future? Did he see the fight between Jake and Sam or Sam and someone else? How could he if he couldn’t predict Daddy climbing out of Hell to give Dean the one chance to kill him? Dean has his reasons for wanting YED dead. He’s a threat, not someone you keep around unless they’re valuable. Unless they’re protected? Maybe that’s it. Maybe there is something protecting Dean. Perhaps a deal Mom made when Dean was a baby. Who knows.

All I know is I would like to see some interesting twists come up around Dean. Why’d the vision hurt him this time when everything Andy had done previously didn’t bother anyone? You know, give me answers to these questions, tell me how Dean is important. And more than that, show Dean. Cause man, that guy needs a huge hug. *volunteers*

I like how Sam knows what Dean did. I like that he said he’s going to find away to get Dean out this deal. You know, without dying again, of course. Although, I was a little nervous by the way Sam said he’d do anything for Dean. I mean isn’t that how they got into this mess to begin with? Dean did anything for Sam and now look what they have to deal with. Still, this should be interesting. But I must say I did like that Sam said all of this. The look on Dean’s face like he couldn’t believe it was perfect. He’s being told, and hopefully shown that he is worthwhile, that his life does mean something.

Can’t wait for season 3.

I’m watching Van Helsing right now. OMG, never saw this movie before but it’s on cable now. I know why I never wanted to see it at the theaters, but still, it’s entertaining for me right now. Just thought I’d share.

LP and Wicked

2007-05-20T03:26:17Z

So, I am really loving the new Linkin Park CD. Like I’ve read everywhere and heard everywhere, it is… different. But good. I like the new sound. I like that there are really angry parts and then parts where you can just hear how much fun the guys were having. The song “Bleed It Out” is an example. The drum beat and the clapping plus the laughing heard on the track is great. I really like “Leave Out All the Rest” and probably the best song is “The Little Things Give You Away.” Chester Bennington’s voice is so soft at the beginning like it’s apologetic. And a little surprised by what’s happening. And then, by the second chorus, the voice is stronger and seems angrier. To me at least. It fits with the theme of the song. And I agree with Mike Shinoda, it’s not political, it’s socially aware. Big difference. The band's last two albums were very self-aware where this one is more socially. It's growin up.

So, I saw Wicked on Tuesday. Holy Shit! That is one amazing play. The costumes, the sets, the actors, they were all so very amazing. I’ve read the book so I had an idea of what to expect, but of course, due to time constraints and production, some things had to be changed. But, I didn’t mind. It was still fantastic. And hilarious. I laughed so much. And I still love Elphaba and Fiyero. Probably more now. *sigh*

But man, was I tired the next day. Worst yet, because I got home so late, and had so very little sleep, and then had to actually work the whole of Wednesday (yes, I’m surprised I made it, too) it was Thursday that really kicked my butt. I have a mild case of insomnia so it was even more fun. But that’s okay because that was a play I was dying to see. And I had great seats, too!

So, I’ve got thoughts on SG-1 and SPN but I’ll save them for a bit later. I’m still collecting my thoughts on SPN. Might have to go back and watch both parts just to figure out what the hell to think.

And yay for a Season Three. I didn’t really have doubts, cause that would make the CW stupid but, you never know in Hollywood. Still, the long wait through the summer is gonna be a bitch.

I'm gonna be so very tired

2007-05-15T01:25:16Z

So, Linkin Park have finally released a new CD. Finally, I tell you, finally. Four years is a long time to wait and I suck at waiting. I’m going after work to pick it up. Whoo-hoo! I’m also planning to get the movie Pan's Labyrinth. That movie was amazing. Very trippy but really amazing. The visuals were so stunning. I’m gonna get my mom to watch it. See what she thinks of it and then wait and see if she recommends I seek therapy.

So, tomorrow night, I get to see the Broadway show Wicked. I am very excited about that. I wish the beautiful and amazing Idina Menzel where still playing the Witch, but I got to see her in Rent so I don't feel too bad. The only problem with seeing this play, it starts at 8pm and I still have work Wednesday morning. I start work at 6:30am so I wondering if I'll be able to get up. And if I do make it to work, will I last the whole day?

Either way, I can't wait.

Mom's day

2007-05-13T16:32:24Z

Do you get to celebrate Mother’s Day if you lost your child? As in before it was born? Do you count as a mother that way or do you actually have to have a child that came into this world? I get asked a lot so I'm just asking.

I have views on children-I don’t want them, don’t really like them, and often wonder if it’s sane to subject something innocent to this crapfest of a world. But that’s just me. Everyone else is free to do whatever the hell they like. As long as the kids are not out of control monsters, we’re good.

So, it’s Mother’s Day and I am so very positive. *rme* I love my mom. I love the woman who is like a mom to me. Sometimes though, my mom just baffles me. She hates my sister’s boyfriend. I’m not too big on him either, but my reasons are different. Anyhow, so my mom, hating on my sister’s boyfriend while her own is just as big a jackass. And she can’t figure out why my sister goes after the losers. I can give her a clue: like mother like daughter.

But what do I know?

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. Try and relax some, let someone wait on you for a change.